im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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