i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
