Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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