Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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