i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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