At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
