I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
