remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
