well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
