After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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