ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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