Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
