I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
