Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
