Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
