Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Randomize
