A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
