There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
