you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
