Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
