just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
