well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
