i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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