I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
