Your face is a jimmy john
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
