I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
