She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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