she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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