Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
