Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
