you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
