just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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