So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
