every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
