Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
