Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
