I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
