we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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