Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
