where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
