it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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