Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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