Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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