help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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