Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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