oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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