thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
