hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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