Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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