He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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