I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
