Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
