I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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